It's been a while since I've updated... Finally started my first cycle since the D&C. Huz and I have discussed trying again this month, and I'm so back and forth with it. He's said it's totally up to me since I'm the one who has the physical aspects of it all - good or bad. One minute, I can't wait to try again, the next, I realize maybe I'm not meant to be pregnant. Not that I'm not meant to be a mother, but maybe I need to look at other options (adoption.) I really would love to be a mommy, but the possibility of another loss scares the shit out of me. For now, I'm really going to just focus on today - every day.
I still feel like I lost a whole month, and I need to get back to living life. It's such a stumble to go through this. Not only did I have the loss, but also the time leading up to it. It never felt right, so I was in a haze for the weeks I was "pregnant." I say pregnant in quotes because it helps me in some sick way to think I never really was since there's no baby at the end.
My online group has been holding steady at 45 for a while, so the fact that the new members joining slowing down helps me. I'm so sad for each of them. The saddest part is, there's a new group of Jan and Feb mommies probably going through the same stuff now, and I wonder - who's there for them?
I so love the fact that you are not only expressing YOUR emotions, but helping others during your time of sadness and all the emotional turmoil. I have never been so PROUD of you as a woman as I am now. You have always "journaled", and this is just a new phase of not only getting your thoughts out, but speaking for those who cannot find the words, or allowing them to also speak out. I love you so, so, much and wish I could take all your pain away...all of you.
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