...acceptance. For me at least. But I'm there. Acceptance feels like giving in, like giving up, and along with that comes guilt. I've been feeling better each day, and yesterday was such a beautiful day here that I didn't even have to try, I got up, went to a community event, went to the nursery (of the plant variety) and got flowers to plant. Came home and planted all of the flowers, cleaned my car inside and out, and went to the grocery store. Most productive day I've had in months.
Through this chain of events, I lost a month. I took the home pregnancy test on 3/30, and found out on 4/30 that there was no longer a heartbeat (with events in between and after that have been outlined in previous posts.) In those 4 short weeks, between the excitement/fear/hormones at the beginning to the sadness/fear/hormones at the end, I lost a month - plus a couple of weeks, actually. I'm not even exaggerating - I was cleaning up my work email on Friday and came across several that had needed my response in April. I let my housework go. My poor husband has been living with a robot. My dogs haven't had anyone play fetch with them in weeks. I literally lost a whole month, and realized yesterday that if I didn't get my shit together, I was going to lose a lot more.
My boss has been wonderful, but I know I have to get that focus back. My staff doesn't know what happened, but I'm sure they know I've been absent and unresponsive. The beautiful day yesterday, and the fact that it's the time of year for them to be a regular occurrence made me realize that I have to get back to life, MY life. That makes me feel so guilty, but it is in fact my life, in which I have a great career, wonderful husband, beautiful home, and perfect fur babies. Maybe someday I'll have a human baby as well, but not if I don't take care of the life I currently have. I've been eating like crap, not drinking enough water, not exercising. I picked up right where I left off with smoking. I have to move forward in order to even have a chance at giving this another shot. And that makes me feel terrible.
*hugs* I'm right there with you. Yet, I bet you'd tell any one of us that it's healthy and good that we're moving into acceptance. So why is it that we can't stop judging ourselves when we do?
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right, Willow - if this was anyone else, I'd be saying "that's a good thing!!"
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